And with a heavy heart….

I simply can’t believe that I am again typing this post.  As many of you know my husband and I have struggled with fertility since we got married in March 2008.  We were lucky to get pregnant this past December, but lost the baby on New Year’s Day.  This summer we started the IVF process.  It is a long, stressful, mind & body consuming process.  We were ecstatic to find out that it worked the first time and we were pregnant.  However, we were completely devastated to learn this past week that we lost the baby.  This entire time I’ve been asking myself “why?  why?”  Even though I know it is not our job to ask why things happen to us.  Then, I ran across a wonderful message that said to not ask why, but to ask what.  What can I learn from this?  What maturity am I gaining from this? This seemed to help because I related it to our profession.  We are constantly asking what questions about our students and teaching methods.  We take that knowledge and grow because of it.  I know in time all off of this will help me grow, but right now in the moment it is almost unbearable.

I just wanted to let you know what is going as I am feeling extremely guilty about letting the book study slide among other things here on my blog.

With Love,
Tara

29 Comments

  1. While I have never experienced losing a baby – at 40, I've never been pregnant. At the age of 16 I new I wanted to grow up and be a mommy. I had a very clear and specific plan. But things didn't work out the way I ever imagined. Instead I get to be school-mommy to 18 kids each and every year.
    Nothing I can say can change the sadness in your heart, but know that others do care and feel for you and your family.
    Connie

  2. Thinking of you at this time. It is tough to share but thank you for letting us become a part of what you are going through. Continue to look for what you are learning about yourself.

    Carla

  3. I'm really sorry to hear that but God has everything under control.
    "But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

    Just trust in Him and give all your worries to Him!

    Angela
    an********@gm***.com
    The Bilingual Teacher

  5. I am so sorry for your loss 🙁 We will be here for you when you are ready to come back, and thank you so letting us into your life during this hard time.

    elizabeth

  7. Tara I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. Just know that there are others out there who understand what you are going through. I know that doesn't make your pain and your loss any easier to bear. Please don't feel the need to apologize to any of us for letting blogging things slip. You and your family come first. I'll be praying for you and I'm sending you some virtual {hugs}. Please let me know if there's anything I can do (or just listen). <3

    Karyn
    Ki*********@co*****.net

  8. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure it must have been hard to share this news on your blog. I don't doubt that all your readers and supporters would want you to take time for yourself and family.
    Michelle

  11. I am so sorry and I know your pain as we struggled for 7 years with infertility and numerous procedures until our IVF worked. If you need to talk, I am here. I know how heart wrenching it is each month when you realize it didn't work and then to go to work and be around all of those 5 year olds and some of them have terrible parents and you wonde why God blessed then with a child. I will keep praying for you and honestly your feelings are normal as is mourning. Sending you a big hug from Blue Springs, MO. Hang in there

  12. Sweet Tara….Oh you precious thing.
    Wwhen I lost my baby my doctor told me she believes that at conception a soul is created & will be in heaven waiting for us. Yours are together, they will greet you with open arms. I have 3 children and still think of my baby in heaven…s/he would be 24 years old. What is once a part of us never really leaves. God bless you, & you will be in our prayers for continued strength & faith.

  13. I know exactly what you are going through and feeling… sad, jealous, guilty, defeated… insert a few more. Please don't worry about the book study… take care of yourself. I remember the devastation and pain whenever someone else goes through it. Stay strong! Hopeful in Missouri said it well… we have the toughest jobs when we see all of the precious lives that awful parents take for granted!
    I had a good book that was kind of a self help/humor book that helped me get through the tough times… I will send the link to you through email.

  14. Oh Tara! I don't even know what to say. I have so many good friends who are struggling to get pregnant and they would make amazing parents! I only say this so you know you're not alone. I will be praying for you and your husband. Just know that your blog is one of my favorites! Your reading and math posts are EXACTLY what my admins discuss in our meetings! So I refer back to your blog daily! =) I'm sending a mental hug your way!!
    Jessica

  15. I have been where you are. My son would have been 17. That being said I have 2 other children who are my miracles. The book study is not important you need to take time for yourself. I will be keeping you and your husband in my prayers. Just know you are not alone.

  16. Uh, I'm writing you a cyberspace 'free pass' on the book study. Please use it without any guilt! (I'm a teacher so it's totally legit!) I know words may seem very hollow now, but please know that you and your husband are being held up in prayer during this difficult time. Even God knows what it's like to lose a child. He feels your pain and is holding you while you grieve. One moment, one day at a time.

  17. I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost three babies and the pain is overwhelming. The book study is so unimportant next to what you are going through. If it helps take your mind off things and change focus, go for it, if not… it can wait. My thoughts are with you and your husband at this time. I want to thank you for having the courage to share what you are going through. I know that so many women don't share their stories of losing a baby, and it really helped me get through my pain to know there were others out there who really and truly knew how I was feeling. Be kind to your body and your heart and give yourself time to heal.

  18. Tara my heart goes out to you. One thing that helped me when I lost my baby was a memorial bracelet designed for moms going through this. I found a website just by poking around on the internet. It really helped my grieving process have something physical to hold and see with my baby's birthstone.
    Please do not give your website or book study a second thought. Give yourself time to heal and be comforted. We are all blessed to have your contributions and will welcome you back when you are ready. You will be in my prayers.
    Holly Rose

  22. Tara I just ran across your blog tonight for the first time. I feel that God sent me here for a reason. I will be praying daily that God will give you peace and that He will in His time give you a beautiful baby. I have a friend who went through this same thing 10 years ago. She finally had a little boy (IVF) and 14 months later (with no help) had a little girl and 2 years later a little boy. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.
    In constant, fervrent prayer for you,
    Lisa

  23. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. My sister went through the same thing and the hurt is so strong. Your little baby's soul only had a short time on the earth and God chose for that soul to spend it with you. Know that there are a lot of people who care about you and you are loved.

  25. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My sister just went through the same experience as you for the past 2-3 years. They went to Prague to do the IVF only to lose the baby. She then started acupuncture and taking herbs. She has done this for a year. She just announced to us on the fourth of July that she is now 4 months pregnant. We are praying that this will be a successful pregnancy for her. This may be something you want to try.

  27. I just wanted to let you know you and your husband are in my prayers. I am so sorry for your loss and will pray things will all work out for you both. I will be posting about your wonderful blog on my own tonight and just read your post. Hugs! Erin

  28. I have to say how much I admire your honesty. A very close friend of mine has gone through this as well. It is such a feeling of helplessness.

    Personally, I am struggling with a disease my husband was diagnosed with last year. The words "be not afraid" are found in the bible 365 times! Really? And I love this quote, "Perhaps strength does not reside in never having been broken, but in the courage to grow strong in the broken places."

    I am a steady follower and will keep good thoughts for you.

    Best,
    Sara

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